Forgive Me, Love
by CrossingTheBoundary
Summary: I can't bear it any longer. This pain. This excruciating pain. However, never did I think I would be pushed this far, far enough to want to end it all. I will always love you, Arthur. [DISCONTINUED]
1. Chapter 1

So things haven't been going in the best way possible. Life sucks. I know that. This is a fic for a very special person, she needs it. I hope you know who you are. I love you. I miss you. I can't wait to see you again. I want to be with you, my best friend, more than anything right now. I'm writing this for you, even if you don't see it. Ate is here...

And yes, I know I have yet to update my other fic, "Not First, Not Second", but I really am in a state of SEVERE writer's block on that and have no clue what to do with it. Although, I was considering having Lovi wake up in the hospital with amnesia. But I would be using too many hospitals, as you'll soon find. So if by any chance you have a request, PM me or review! Everything is appreciated. Thanks~

Trigger Warning: Attempted Suicide and Yaoi(BoyXBoy)

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Not often did I cry. Most times it was just the usual routine. Have them insult me, be left bruised and broken, slowly trudge home, and sit bluntly, staring straight ahead, emotionlessly. Crying was for rare times I really couldn't take the excruciating hurt, and completely broke down. Crying also meant I was weak. I won't let them see me as that. I was supposively the great hero that graces this school with my amazing presence. I guess that was just in my head.

That's what I was always bullied for. The want and need to be a savior for every person out there. But that's impossible. For, how can a savior be a savior is he can't even save himself? Save himself from the horrid actions of the villains. Isn't that what it is? Hero versus villain. Good versus evil. Was there really an evil? No, was there really a good?

I wasn't JUST put through that pain for the heroism that ran deep within my mind. There were other, more valid reasons. Reasons that would definitely land you a lifetime of hate and disgust. Especially in high school.

Let me tell you of my first crush. Or moreover, love. The most beautiful person I'd ever seen. Among the most popular kids in school, great knowledge about most anything, and a... colorful vocabulary spoken with the most amazing accent.

A name? Arthur Kirkland. Yes. ARTHUR Kirkland. Meaning, he's a guy and I am gay. That's the reason for my being put down all the time. Put down by my peers, put down by my parents, put down by my teachers, and put down by Arthur himself.

He knows. Everyone knows. How they found out? I'll never know. All I do know however, is that as of right now, the only person I truly love, despises me. And it anguishes my heart. Because that means, no one cares. No one gives a second thought about me.

That's why I'm here. On the roof of the school, the tallest building around. Sick of the pain and ready to end it all. What better way to die? The breeze blows my hair around while I stand under the warm, gentle rays of the orange sun.

For the last time, I sat and plainly gazed at the setting scene before me. My mind began to wander elsewhere, to the depths of past memories. I held back no restraint.  
A single tear of pained nostalgia ran quickly down the side of my cheek. I smiled once, then stood up on the ledge, ready to jump.

"Hey! I wouldn't do that if I were you," I whipped my head around at the familiar ring of Arthur's British voice.

"W-what? Why are you here? Why now?", I asked, my fists clenching, turning my knuckles white.

"I could ask you the same, damn git," he replied, a cocky smirk growing on his face.

I breathed in slowly,"What does it look like? I'd think it'd be pretty obvious," Facing the sun again, depression gradually crawling over me. It was getting harder and harder to concentrate. The way things were going was definitely not planned. My death was supposed to be fast and uncared for. Well, it still could be uncared for...

"It seems you're focused on jumping. Perhaps to end your sad, pitiful life?" I winced visibly and he noticed. Suddenly, an expression of guilt ran across his face. But it disappeared as promptly as it had appeared.

"Just...forget I'm here and leave. Don't remember me, don't mention me. People don't give a care about this soul anyways," I answered, unsuccessfully letting my despair get a hold of my consciousness.

I couldn't hold back the sigh in my throat. I was glad I didn't. All the emotions swirling in my mind were too overwhelming. I cautiously spun around on my heel to find that contrited look adorning his face once more. But of course, it dissolved into another smug disguise.

However, I just gave an agonized smile and whispered,"I really do love you. Forever and always, with all my heart."

I attempted to keep that one stray drop of water from trickling down my face, to no avail. Not afraid to show any emotion for the love of my short-lived life, I spun on my heel, cautiously.

"But what point is there in life, when that single person you would die for, scorns your very existence? So therefore, I will vanish, like magic, from the face of the Earth. For you, Arthur, my entire being," I chose my words deliberately, in fear of dying just after angering my loved one.

I'd expected no comment, but hesitated to turn the other direction- just in case he'd decide to speak up. Getting no reaction, I just kept that small smile upon my lips and just let myself fall freely backwards. It was a mistake however, when Arthur shouted at me.

"N- no, Alfred! I DO care, I don't hate you! I need you with me, I- I love you! I'm sorry!"

My cyan orbs widened in terror as he leaned over the edge, watching me fall straight to the ground with tears blurring his eyes. My mouth moved inaudibly to say the last words I COULD say, 'I'm glad to know',before I landed abruptly on the concrete with a bone cracking sound. The only thing I heard next was the heart-shattered shriek that told me Arthur hadn't been lying, he really did love me. I knew then, I had just commited the greatest mistake of my complete lifetime.

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My lids felt heavy and my mind cloudy as I awoke to a weight on my side. I opened my eyes to find Arthur kneeling beside the bed, clutching my white hand tightly, as if to keep me from slipping away. I sighed, bewildered by what he had yelled at my falling self.

'Did he really mean it? He couldn't have, right?'

As if he was a mind reader, Arthur suddenly spoke, "I know you're awake. I heard you sigh. But you know, I was being completely sincere and honest when I told you I loved you." I found that hard to believe. But you really can't blame me, considering he's always teased me for being so interested in him.

"And how can I trust you? Especially after what you put me through. You were one of them. The people that pushed me to edge. Literally," I have a scoff at my dry, dry humor.

Arthur showed every bit of remorse he carried in his next sigh. "I know. I regret it. But I know you, you can forgive me."

I shifted in my bed to reveal my shock to the man beside me. I shouted,"Do you really know me?! You know my name, not me! You don't know the pain I've suffered because of your's and many other's actions. And if you even dare think I can forgive you because I love you and you claim to feel the same, YOU'RE WRONG!"

The only thing that could be heard within the white walls were my heavy pants of anger. After a few minutes in that unbearable situation, I soon broke down, heaving short, sudden breaths and letting violent sobs resound throughout the room. I threw Arthur a look in which my water-brimmed eyes presented previously hidden emotional torture. The said wide-eyed person had his pale, slender hand against his mouth. Most likely to cover up his own confused feelings and muffle sounds that meant to escape.

His weak but intent stare traveled downwards with his head, shaggy blonde hair hanging over those beautiful green eyes. He was trembling. It was really a sight to regret seeing. He should not have been in that disgraceful state. But it was my fault anyways. My fault. Always my fault. I scoffed. For the blame constantly being off on me was a reason for my attempted suicide.

I glared at the window, wanting so badly to comfort my precious love. I couldn't. Not after that. Not after my meltdown. No, he should be gone soon.

'Maybe if I fall asleep and wake with him not present, it won't hurt as much as when I witness him leaving,' I thought, though I secretly wanted him to never again leave my side. Slowly, I drifted off, still hearing Arthur's light breathing beside me as his head still hung facing the snow white, hospital floors.

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I just realised I didn't do my disclaimer. Ugh.

I do not own the Hetalia franchise in any way. All rights go to Hidekaz Himaruya.

All my stories are angsty. Oh well, those are my faves. But it's also where my best writing happens. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Hetalia. All rights go to the rightful owner Hidekaz Himaruya. Pretty ironic updating this before the SpaMano one I have yet to write the next chapter for. Uhhh. Any suggestions? I'm totally brain dead. 。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

"I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to leave. Visiting hours are over. But you are always welcome to come again tommorow," the pitiful excuse of a nurse informed me with a not so sorry expression "gracing" her tanned face. I let my usual scowl deepen to further more show my extreme anger and disappointment. I was already damn pissed at this bloody bastard. Although, I can't blame him. I let my stupid pride get in the way of how I truly feel, and look at where that led on.

I knew that there was a high chance I wouldn't be allowed to stay over, as that privilege was well-deserved by the close ones of those nearing the cold hands of death. But, I am certainly not one to go down without even a tiny argument, especially if it meant leaving my Alfred alone. My Alfred? Dear God, what have I done to earn the right to call him that?

In the end, after useless insults and pleas towards the hospital system, I was surprisingly given permission to go ahead and remain in the room with Alfred. After I made my appreciation known, the nurse from earlier brought down a cot for me. She placed it right next to Alfred, just as I had requested. When she left, the room was silent, except for the occasional beeps and whirring sounds of the expensive medical equipment.

I focused my attention on all that had happened during the day. I found Alfred on the roof, mind completely set on jumping. Things happened, and I ended up confessing to him as he fell to the school grounds. We wound up here in the hospital and I got myself yelled at.

'What an idiot you are, Arthur.' I lay there in the discomfort of the cot, doing nothing but observing Alfred's peaceful state of sleep. He seemed so...calm. Like there was nothing in the world that could ever make him feel insecure or depressed again. It made me think about how much better HE'D feel without me here. After all, don't I just cause problems for him?

'Maybe I should just leave. If I stay any longer, who knows how it'd affect this kid?' I let myself go free of thought for a moment before mentally agreeing with my will,' Yes, I can leave tommorow morning, before Alfred gets up,' I unconsciously heaved a low sigh, gradually drifting off to a worry-free, dream land.

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When I woke from my medicated sleep, my first thought was of Arthur. Immediately, I scanned over to the uncomfortable chairs in the corner. No one was present in the room at all, I began to panic. I hadn't really meant for him to leave, that was my anger! He couldn't have left me after all that talk about his love for me!

'No, I can't be alone! He must be here!', I thought chaotically, hands tugging harshly at my blonde locks in frustration.

Eventually, in my state of anxiety, I felt tears sliding down my face. The warm salty water dripped unto the white sheets of the hospital bedding. The slow droplets evolved into heavy water practically streaming in rivers as I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Why Arthur? Why?", I managed to get out. " It was all a lie wasn't it? Or maybe you were never here and I've finally gone mad in desperation," I whispered to just the depressing air in front of me.

"The warmth of your hand in mine was nonexistent. The weight of your body on this stupid bed wasn't real either," I let myself pause for a moment; to let the unreal presence of Arthur react. "For a moment, after I fell and heard those words of yours, I thought maybe it was a mistake, giving up my life so early. But now, I know that I'm not actually worth it, that I should've long ago died,"

Melancholically I let my head fall and shoulders droop, not giving a single care about the world at that time. Minutes passed and the door slowly creaked open to reveal a nurse with jet black hair in a braided bun.

"Oh? You're awake, we weren't expecting that. So, Mr. Jones, we have found that you'll be perfectly ready to leave in maybe a week and a half. However, we would like to speak to your parents about possibly going to see a therapist?", her statement came out more as a question as she smiled a sweet but sickening smile.

I rolled my eyes a bit and glared at her. "My parents don't give shit about me. They hate me with all their fucking being," I told the lady, a shocked expression on her face.

"S-Sir, we still have to let them know about your condition. They should've been informed when you were admitted, but Mr. Kirkland refused to allow us to do so!", I visibly flinched at the mention of Arthur, but kept my stern gaze.

"Fine, do as you like. I couldn't care damn less about what happens to me anymore," I spat, my eyes downcast.

"Yes, sir. We will," As soon as she left and the door was fully closed, I sighed just thinking very intently, the tears long gone. I thought about my parents' angry reactions, the looks and attitudes I would receive from other students, teachers scowls and shaking heads when I got back to school. I mostly kept my mind on a certain Brit, however. I exhaled a breath of air I didn't know I was holding and remembered all I'd been put through because of my love for the said man.

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{Flashback}

"Hey everybody, your hero has arrived!", I yelled out as I ran into the classroom, unknowingly late. All eyes were on me as I awkwardly rubbed the back of my neck while heading to my desk, between a much too excited Feliciano and studious Kiku. They both weren't as bad as the others, but they still didn't like me one bit. They weren't afraid to show it either.

'Ignorance from them? Hah, like I could give a single fuck...Oh come on, Alfred. You know you care, and the lack of acknowledgment kills you,' I growled at that point with my chin in my palm.

"ALFRED JONES! For the fifth time, please read page 116!", the stern commanding voice of the teacher called, snapping me out of my thoughts. Once again, everyone's sight was directed to me.

"Haha, sorry! I just spaced out, couldn't get much sleep last night," I trailed off as my voice got smaller and smaller.

I heard a few snickers until Arthur's accented voice retorted,"What? Are you too busy fantasizing about me too get a good night's bloody sleep?" He scoffed while his other friends laughed at the harsh remark. I just averted my eyes as a blush of embarrassment spread upon my heated face.

Even though he had merely been joking, Arthur was indeed quite accurate. Honestly, it made my heart race. I was up last night thinking about what we could've been. Or if maybe he didn't like me because I was a boy. Or if it was because I was so damn needy of being heroic. Or even just needy in general. The possiblities swarmed my crowded head until the next morning, leaving me entirely sleepless.

{End Flashback}

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Ugh. I feel like that was a bad place to end it. *^* Sorry. Oh yeah, if you have suggestions, requests, questions, etc. please PM me or go ahead and review. I'm really happy with how my fics are affecting people! I didn't think you guys'd actually read them. But thanks for sticking around anyways!


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